DONT PANIC (Corporal Jones Stylee)

Ok ok,

It was Friday the 13th yesterday wasn’t it? are you sure they have not changed the date to Saturday 14th?????

Bad start to day when i stepped out the front door right into a pile of dog sh*te.

Went to doctors for my final jab for my knees, Left the place in agony and walked carefully up to the office holding my right buttock, Realised i had no key so went back downhill to Karens house to collect key, Went back uphill to office to start editing (as today is the deadline), Arrived at office to find SIX of the TWENTY-FIVE articles in my email inbox, Still had pain in right buttock, and also in right knee.

Got fed up of rubbish articles, for example,

'No better day could be chosen for the event. The weather could not have been better.'

Sorry, but a badly trained short sighted monkey with blue felt-tip pens stuck in every available orifice could write a better opening paragraph than that during its break from attempting to write the complete works of Shakespeare along with its sigh language written translation !

As if that didn’t annoy me enough, as I went home for lunch a pack of bloody evil savage bloodied dogs decided to bark and growl at me, the big AL-SATAN dog decided to come and try and bite my trousers, just around the area of my right knee. Lovely.

Luckily for me all the evil thing got was trouser, but for some reason my screams of bloody murder didn’t muster any of the locals watching to help, who instead stood in amusement as this gringo ran Uphill with growling barking evil sadistic dogs in tow literally snapping at his heals. What is the dogs problem! I wasn’t near them, i was not hitting them, i was not throwing things at them. WHY WHY WHY??? If they are meant to be mans best friend, jesus i don’t want to meet mans worst enemy!

This episode has led me to set up my own political party. Now I know this next paragraph will offend some, if not most of you, so if you are of a dog loving disposition please skip to the part of the email that’s says ‘So, as you can see. Work is going well.'

The aforementioned party shall be knows as the ‘kill all dogs in the world in the most horrible nasty and painful way’ party. I shall stand at the next election for the Hertfordshire Northeast seat, so Mr Oliver Heald (Con), you’d better watch out!

If elected i will implement laws that dogs should not be seen and they should not be heard. The penalty for fouling on the pavement shall be increased from a ten pound fine to, the death of the dog. The style of death of the dog shall be left to the owners’ discretion. They may choose from;

* Painfully slow gassing

* Being tied to a big tin heavy of dog food and thrown to the bottom of the River Lea

* Being forced to edit rubbish articles for the Llama Express



So, as you can see. Work is going well.

(seriously though, its good to be back)


Matt